“Dr. Abraham and his group of Duke University Medical Center trained physicians and staff are participating in a nationwide clinical research study. This clinical research study is evaluating the safety and effectiveness of an investigational medication for GAD.

n Physical symptoms associated with anxiety, such as restlessness, fatigue, irritability, muscle tension, headache, nausea, insomnia, or poor concentration.

If your response after reading this was “So why did you just waste about 150 words of column space on somebody else's advertising?”, you might as well skip the rest of the column and go on to the funnies page. On the other hand, if you were laughing as hard as I was (or at least smiling broadly), please continue.

Ye GADs, we've finally done it: we've classified the normal range of human response to the modern world as a “disorder”. Now, I am certain that Dr. Abraham and his colleagues are sincere, competent professionals who feel that they are addressing a genuine problem, but the class clown (me) simply can't pass up the opportunity to have some ironical fun with this, so here we go.

EXCESSIVE WORRY AND TENSION . . : What, me worry? Considering the skyrocketing cost of gasoline and heating oil, the “outsourcing” of jobs to other countries, the impact of uncontrolled illegal immigration, the ever-present threat of terrorism and the new concern over avian flu, only Alfred E. Neuman could make it through with his gap-toothed grin intact.

Who wouldn't have these symptoms after watching a screenfull of Louis Farrakhan, Saddam Hussein, Michael “Ban the Pledge” Newdow or that nice Raleigh bookstore owner and former NCSU visiting instructor who wants all white folks, well, dead?

My guess is that the researchers' only problem will be whittling down the test group to a manageable size, since the demographic for this study would look a lot like the U.S. census.

Jeff Dreibus owns The Old Carb Doctor, a business that restores carburetors for antique cars. He lives in Dysartville in McDowell County. His columns appear on alternate Saturdays and he can be reached at jdreibus@yahoo.com .

This is cache, read story here